i am starting to feel so full that i am empty. i guess i live here now, or at least for now. i have no idea what i am doing. i had a long conversation last week with a person (someone i have strong feelings for) and in this conversation i confessed that i had nothing, he responded by saying i have chosen the nothing. and i guess this is true but it is haunting me.
i am still at taos haos. i have no idea how much longer i can be here. justin has yet to give me an answer about when he will be home or if land is still an option for me buy. i don't know what comes next. the honey is no longer insured and i feel like i need a different driving situation anyway (a truck and a trailer i think would be more versatile). i dream of building a studio on the mesa and setting up the honey as a stationary dwelling, places i can come back to, a home base. it is summer now, but winter feels real even though it is months away. what will i do then? i need to buy a truck, i have to start to plan exit routes, you never know when you just have to leave it all.
i met someone that i have fallen for but he will leave soon, he wants to on his own and while i respect that... i have to be honest about how badly i want to be wild with this person, these adventures are starting to feel lonely alone. i feel estranged from most everything, cast out and unknown and only partly wanted. the nothingness is so close all the time. i wonder what my future will look like. i have spent so many years alone, is this my sentence?
"i can do it myself" has been a mantra my whole life and its because i have had to, but i am tired. i would love for someone to carry me for a moment. does that make me weak? some days i wonder how much longer i can carry this load alone.
don't get me wrong, i know what's working in my favor right now. i have a job and am making money, i have (new and old) friends who know me some and seem to care, i have painting always, i have love from those dogs (there are two now - and the love from dogs is unlike any other love i have known, it is pure and unwavering and loyal loyal loyal).
on friday, i am having art show at my friend jesse's shop. i should be painting right now but instead i am writing the blog entry as though it was my diary.
is that art?